An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
