My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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