someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
