The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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