he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
