The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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