He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
