My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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