in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
