i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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