I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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