i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
