I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found puke in my bra..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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