One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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