Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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