like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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