my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We had to coat check the pizza.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
