Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
