I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
