i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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