$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
