Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
