connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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