Betty ford says i'm here all night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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