I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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