My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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