Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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