you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize