you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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