You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
