angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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