My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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