Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize