I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
