i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You pole danced in your parka.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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