I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize