hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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