so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
