It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
