like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
