the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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