I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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