He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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