I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
