the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just google imaged poop.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
