Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
