i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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