i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
