with your own penis?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
