I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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