My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
