my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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