the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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