I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
