M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize