i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize