Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
