She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
