Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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